I have to share this satirical little response from pal, Russell Mangum (I am a Republican by Joel S. in a January 1, 2003 reader commentary seen on Buzzflash) when I sent him "And the State of the Union Is ... None of Your Business" (along with his own preface and postscript*):

Deanna,

Thank you for sending me more of your left-wing pinkoid dribble. I have never understood why you lefties insist on trying to blame everything that has happened in the past 2 years on Bush when the rest of us know full well that everything is Clinton's fault. Well, unless it's good of course, then it's either Bush's or Reagan's doing. Don't you know that questioning authority is treasonous? It is only my love for you as a friend that prevents me from turning you in to John Poindexter. (An intellectual West Coaster like you is worth BIG points in the revised TIPS point scale).

Oh, I'm sorry. Is all this shocking to you? Didn't you know all along that I was a Republican? Here, let me explain:

I am a Republican.

I am pro-life, as long as it's in the womb. I could care less about it the second it's out of the womb, which is also why I'm pro-death penalty, and anti-welfare. I believe in an ideal world, and people shouldn't be having sex. Especially if they can't deal with the consequences.

I support the Second Amendment. I don't care if we have already have a number of well-regulated militias. I don't want the government to tell me what type of weapon I can have. I need armor-piercing rounds in the event that I need to defend myself against some of those pesky armor-wearing law enforcement types. I should be able to buy a Howitzer if I can afford one. I don't want the government to check my background - they might find something that would prevent me from owning a gun.

I believe in the War on Drugs. I think a silly slogan - "Just say no" - goes a long way in preventing kids from using drugs. It doesn't matter to me that the War makes the drugs thousands of times more profitable, and provides that much more incentive to dealers and gangs. Forget rehabilitation; you reap what you sow. As I said before, I am an idealist.

I am pro-welfare. As long as it goes to Corporations that don't need it. If it goes to lazy individuals who got laid off, then I'm against it. There are too many people taking advantage of the system. No, not in the Corporations, I mean the welfare people. I don't care if you are lazy and rich. I only care if you are lazy and poor. I don't care if the crime rate will go up if people do not have options. I have a gun.

I believe that freedom of religion is one of the things that make this country great. That is why I believe it should be crammed down everyone's throats all the time. I believe it is my duty to save your soul. Even if this interferes with your religious freedom. While I care so much for your soul - I could care less about any other part of you. I don't want my tax dollars going to help the disadvantaged, but I don’t mind if they are used in public institutions to help "educate" the masses. I don't care if Jesus wanted to help the poor and the meek. I only look at the parts of the Bible that benefit me personally.

I don't care about the environment. I will disregard the scientific evidence, because it is only a "theory." Besides, I will be dead before the consequences affect me. My children are good Republicans, survival of the fittest, you know. Even though I don't believe in evolution, I believe they will adapt. It doesn't matter to me that the only reason not to regulate companies involved in environmental abuse is only a matter of their bottom line.

I believe that tax cuts will stimulate the economy. I believe that assisting corporations and wealthy individuals is good for job growth. It doesn't bother me that CEO's will cut jobs before they cut their salary. They earned it. I don't believe that the wealthy typically accumulate wealth through continuous investment, and rarely spend the way the middle class does. This holding of assets creates jobs and is good for the economy, right? The wealth disparity in this country doesn't bother me. We all have the same opportunities, right?

I am tired of immigrants coming to this country and taking our jobs. I know a lot of hard-working American lettuce pickers. It doesn't bother me that our corporations are shipping our jobs to other countries for cheaper labor and to avoid labor regulations. I can also sympathize with corporations who profit in this country but operate assets offshore to avoid paying taxes.

I'm tired of minorities whining. They have the same opportunities as every one else. I don't want more educated minorities to have more opportunities. I don't care if they underwent, or still undergo a variety of racial prejudices and injustices. That was in the past; get over it.

I don't want to hear any more pinko-socialist garbage. It doesn't matter to me that the military is provided to me by the contributions of all taxpayers, and defends me as it defends all. I don't care if the Interstate Highway System was built in this manner as well. Or law enforcement. Or any other number of public institutions. I could care less about Social Security, even if I neglect to realize that it will be there for me whether I need it or not. Hopefully.

I believe in a strong military. I believe in our right to pre-emptively defend ourselves, even if that is an oxymoron. Except when the country proves to be a real threat, like North Korea. I believe that this military should be composed exclusively of volunteer minorities and rural poor whites. I believe dying for oil is a noble cause for our brave minority and poor soldiers. I don't care if our leaders were able to obtain deferments in past wars, and children of affluence will be able to do the same for the next war. Clinton was a draft-dodger and wagged the dog in Iraq. President Bush served in the Air National Guard heroically protecting the bars of Abilene, Texas. Nor can it be proved that he went AWOL, even though he wasn't there his last year. And he is not wagging the dog in regards to the Iraq situation for political or financial profit for his associates in the energy industry. Or the defense industry. Speaking of which, I do not care if a missile shield has proven unreliable. We need it to defend ourselves against terrorists, whether it works or not.

I believe that our moral decay, and almost all of today's problems, can be traced back to one man - Bill Clinton. It doesn't matter to me that he was elected: twice. It doesn't matter to me that 50% of our nation's marriages end up in divorce, a high percentage due to infidelity. It doesn't matter that almost all politicians lie to various degrees. They shouldn't be lying about their personal lives. Keep the lying in the realm of policy and issues, thank you very much. I will credit the Republican Congress and former Republican Presidents for various achievements when it is convenient. The Democrats hold the blame for everything. Especially Clinton.

I am a Republican, and have forgotten what it means to be an American.




*I forgot to add the conclusion - "God Bless America - and Fuck Everyone Else!"